Writings

Fear and Pain

As the youngest of three I am no stranger to fear and pain.  I could talk about the time in first grade when my sister pushed me off a playground and I broke both of my wrists. Or the times I supposedly would “instigate” or “push my siblings’ buttons” and the fear I felt as I ran for my life before losing the chase leading to a full-on WWE brawl. As the youngest I always lost.  Now, I know every family has some dysfunction but overall that isn’t where my most prominent memory of feeling pain came from.  Physical pain would almost be better than emotional pain.  Physical pain can heal.  Sometimes, it can take a lifetime to work through emotional pain.  As a naturally anxious, depressed and self-critical individual I found it easy to be hurt emotionally.  Sometimes, creating made up scenarios in my head that my friends hated me and would get real life upset about it. Ruminating over all the dumb things I said or did in school at one in the morning.  That sounds like almost every high school student ever though, doesn’t it? What makes me so special?  The answer is nothing. I have dealt with depression and felt emotional pain with no reason except for a chemical imbalance.  Other times, it felt extremely justified. I was always self-conscious of the way I looked and never felt beautiful.  So, maybe the most painful thing was never having a boyfriend in high school. Or never going to prom. Sounds good to me.  But wait, there’s more. I could go down the list of terrible traumas and events that have riddled me with pain and fear, but why should I rank it? What would be first? Seeing my dad dying in a tragic accident might take the cake. I don’t really want to have to decide the most painful thing in my life.  Or the time I was most fearful.  It isn’t a competition to me. You see, I used to resent those around me for trivial problems they were suffering with.  I always felt like I had it worse.  This was no way to live.  I learned that everything is relative.  My worst most memorable pain comes from my experiences and perceptions. Someone else’s would be made from their previous live events.  Someone who had a sheltered life may feel intense emotional pain when they break up with their significant other.  While a breakup may seem “less than” when compared to a death the pain is relative.  Pain should not be something used in a competition of who has it worse.  No one would ever win.  There would always be someone “worse” It is only a vicious cycle that leads to people lacking connection with one another.  So, I don’t want to choose a most painful or fearful moment.  Each painful or fearful thing at the time was the most memorable for me.  I don’t want to claim something to be the most because I get scared there will always be more to come.  I would rather live in the moment.  Recognize my painful past and move forward.  Spreading acknowledgment and respect for my own painful experiences as well as others.